My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.