person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
black phone good
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.