Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
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If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.