soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
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Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish