I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
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When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Has there ever been a more American story?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev