Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*