[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.