My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late