Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
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[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Does your wife know you’re single?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.