Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when