Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.