When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
fired
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray