This could’ve been an email.
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#TopTip
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.