Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Solving a traffic jam
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you