A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery