Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
What?!?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.