One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…