[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
You Might Also Like
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials