Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
waiting for halloween be like:
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us