Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
It’s the weekend y’all
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”