After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
everyone has that one prude friend
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
This cat wants you to take your pills
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers