me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
You Might Also Like
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog