Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Lmbo
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!