I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.