*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae