Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.