Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
LMAO
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.