Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
This January has 47 Mondays
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
😂💯