people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen