I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
bro what is going on at twitter
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.