someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.