The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
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Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?