When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
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when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
s
oc
i
a
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I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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