Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se