Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
#titanic
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.