[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂