9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Europe. Made in Germany.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong