*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?