[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me