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WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Omg 🤣
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.