My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?