Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.