The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
You Might Also Like
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*