Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.