Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Florida man
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.