Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
hi why am I like this
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.