Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
This one’s “Alex”.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice