I can also cook 😂
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
this makes me so uncomfortable
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.