Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.