*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
mom gave me mine for free